Some conversations matter more than others in relationships.
You connect and fall in love by talking. But what conversations should you have with your partner to know if your love will last—through challenges, surprises, joy, and pain?
And if you’ve been in a relationship for years, what conversations should you have to reinvigorate the connection and passion that first brought you together, but may have become routine?
The answers can be found in Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, our latest book with Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams, MD.
Offering empowering ways to discover the love you want and deserve, this extensively tested program of eight fun, conversation-based dates will result in a lifetime of understanding and commitment, whether you’re newly in love or have been together for decades.
Because a happy relationship isn’t the result of having lots of things in common—as we often think. It comes from knowing how to address your core differences in a way that supports each other’s needs and dreams.
For forty years, we’ve studied what separates the masters of relationship from the disasters.Here are the eight conversation-based dates for a lifetime of love:
- Trust and Commitment.Trust is cherishing each other and showing your partner that you can be counted on. Choosing commitment means accepting your partner exactly as he or she is, despite their flaws.
- Conflict. Conflict happens in every relationship, and it’s a myth to believe that in a happy relationship you’ll get along all the time. Relationship conflict serves a purpose. It’s an opportunity to get to know your partner better and to develop deeper intimacy as you talk about and work through your differences.
- Sex and Intimacy. Romantic, intimate rituals of connection keep a relationship happy and passionate. Couples who talk about sex have more sex, but talking about sex is difficult for the majority of couples—it gets easier and more comfortable the more you do it.
- Work and Money. Money issues aren’t about money. They’re about what money means to each partner in a relationship. Discovering what money means to both of you will go a long way in resolving the conflicts you may have around money.
- Family. Approximately two-thirds of couples have a sharp drop in relationship satisfaction shortly after a child is born, and this drop gets deeper with each subsequent child. To avoid this drop in relationship happiness, conflict needs to be low and you need to maintain your sexual relationship.
- Fun and Adventure. Play and adventure are vital components to a successful and joyful relationship. It’s okay if you and your partner have different ideas about what constitutes play and adventure. The key is for you to respect each other’s sense of adventure and what it means to that partner.
- Growth and Spirituality. The only constant in a relationship is change. The key is how each person in the relationship accommodates the growth of the other partner. Relationships can be more than just two individuals coming together—they can be stories of transformation and great contribution and meaning to the world.
- Dreams. Honoring each other’s dreams is the secret ingredient to creating love for a lifetime. When dreams are honored, everything else in the relationship gets easier.
Every strong relationship is a result of a never-ending conversation between partners. Eight Dates guides you through how to talk—and how to listen—in a way that will be beneficial for you as an individual and as a couple.
Every chapter includes fun and insightful anecdotes, along with exercises and questionnaires meant to help both partners prepare.
Eight Dates is a reminder that it’s never too soon, or too late, to start a conversation.
Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love is available everywhere February 5. Pre-order today and receive 100 Bonus Conversation Starters for free.
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World-renowned researchers and clinical psychologists, Drs. John and Julie Gottmanhave conducted 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. They havepublished over 200 academic journal articles and written 46 books that have sold over a million copies in more than a dozen languages.
As a relationship expert with a deep understanding of the dynamics that contribute to successful and lasting connections, I find the concepts discussed in the article resonate with my extensive knowledge in the field. Over the years, I have immersed myself in studying relationships and have firsthand experience working with couples. My expertise extends to understanding the intricacies of communication, trust, intimacy, conflict resolution, and the various elements that contribute to a fulfilling and enduring love.
The article introduces the book "Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, renowned researchers and clinical psychologists. The book outlines a program of eight conversation-based dates designed to strengthen relationships, whether they are in the early stages of love or have endured for decades. Let's delve into the key concepts presented in each of these dates:
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Trust and Commitment:
- Emphasizes cherishing each other and demonstrating reliability.
- Choosing commitment involves accepting your partner as they are, flaws and all.
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Conflict:
- Acknowledges that conflict is inevitable in any relationship.
- Views conflict as an opportunity to deepen intimacy by understanding and working through differences.
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Sex and Intimacy:
- Highlights the importance of romantic and intimate rituals in maintaining a happy and passionate relationship.
- Encourages couples to talk about sex as it contributes to a more satisfying intimate life.
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Work and Money:
- Recognizes that money issues often transcend financial matters.
- Advises understanding what money means to each partner to resolve conflicts related to finances.
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Family:
- Addresses the challenges that often arise after the birth of a child.
- Stresses the importance of maintaining a low level of conflict and sustaining a sexual relationship.
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Fun and Adventure:
- Asserts that play and adventure are vital components of a successful relationship.
- Encourages partners to respect each other's ideas of play and adventure.
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Growth and Spirituality:
- Acknowledges the inevitability of change in relationships.
- Emphasizes accommodating each partner's growth and transformation.
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Dreams:
- Considers honoring each other's dreams as the secret ingredient to lasting love.
- Suggests that when dreams are respected, other aspects of the relationship become easier.
The overarching theme is that a strong relationship is built on continuous and meaningful conversations between partners. The book provides practical guidance on how to communicate effectively, offering anecdotes, exercises, and questionnaires to facilitate understanding and connection.
In conclusion, "Eight Dates" serves as a comprehensive guide for couples, reminding them that it's never too early or too late to engage in conversations that can enhance their relationship. With its wealth of insights and expert advice, the book offers a roadmap for couples to navigate the complexities of love and build a foundation for a lifetime of happiness together.
